d r e a m e r
by S.N. Rainsworth
Summary: I want to kill you / I want to forgive you / I want to know you again /  e d w a r d&a l p h o n s e, three parts.
1. pt o n e : murder::you're the life of me

.

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I want to kill you.

.

.

* * *

><p><strong>d r e a m e r <strong>

* * *

><p>He <span>doesn't<span>  
>know <em>why<em> it  
><strong><span>happened<span>**, he  
>just k n o w s<br>that it **did.**

.

he knew that he would  
><em>forgive<em> his **brother** in  
>a <span>heart<span> _b e a t_ if he just  
><em><strong>said<strong>_ (_"I'm sorry."_) one  
><span>word<span>, that was _all_  
>it took. because when<br>he cries** himself** to sleep  
>and w h i s p e r s (<em>"sorrysorry<br>sorrysorrysorry"_) under his  
><em>breath<em> when he **can't**  
><span>hear<span> _p r o p e r l y_  
>then what is a broken, <strong>empty<strong>  
><em>suit of armor<em> to say?  
><em>he<em> never said it to his  
><strong>face<strong> because he k n e w that  
><em><strong>al<strong>_ would _forgive_ him  
>s t r a i g h t a w a y and he<br>couldn't **stand** that.  
>never <em>once<em> was those  
>words <span>uttered<span>. he sat in  
>his room and <strong>selfishly<strong>  
>hated h i m s e l f for doing<br>this to his _only_ brother  
>his <strong>only<strong> f l e s h and  
><strong>blood.<strong>  
>(<em>"Close the lights, Al."<em>)

.

_sinking_ down to the  
><strong>bottom<strong>, it s e e m s like  
>the<em>world<em> **stops** for a moment  
>when he <em>screams<em>  
>and there is <span>no one<span> to  
><em>h e a r<em> him. **flashing lights**  
>and pent up <em>energy<em> that  
><span>swirl<span> in c o l o r s  
><em>red<em> **blood** that _dance_ with  
>the <span>markings<span> on the  
>floor, done by s t a i n e d<br>_hands_ and **hearts**.  
>he r e a c h e s out for him<br>but his fingers are so _far_  
><em>away<em> and it **seems** like  
>something is <span>tearing<span> him  
>apart at the <em>seams<em>  
>(<em>"ALPHONSE!"<em>)  
>but he <strong>doesn't<strong> waver  
>and the floor s l o w l y is<br>_painted_ the **color** of  
><strong>life<strong>. but _n o t_ the life that  
>he was <span>aiming<span> for. not  
>the life that s l i p p e d through<br>his fingers like the _**blood**_,  
>spilled like <strong>ink<strong>,  
>on the <em>cold<em> s t o n e **floor**.  
>(<em>"Give...him..b-ba..aack..."<em>)

.

(_He's locked up in the darkest  
>corner of his mind.<em>)  
><strong>hot days<strong> and _long hair_  
>and <span>metal<span>. t w i s t e d _sheets_ and  
><strong>dark<strong> _rooms_ and e n d l e s s  
>moments of <span>silence<span>. that is  
>what makes up his <strong>life<strong>, ed  
>thinks. <em>blue<em> eyes and **apples**  
>and d i l a p i d a t e d houses<br>_broken_ _arms_ and **red**.  
>where he can stay in<br>the _d a r k n e s s_, ed is sure  
>(<em>"I'm sorry."<em>)  
>that in there<br>he **knows** himself. eyes  
><em>golden<em>, **d u l l**, lit by the  
><em>fever<em> of i n s a n i t y that  
><strong>she<strong> left on him when  
><span>she<span> went to the_ stars_.  
>(<em>"You're sick, brother. Rest."<em>)  
><em><strong><span>no<span>** **more resting**_.  
>he was <em>sick <em>of resting and  
><strong>waiting<strong> and n o t doing _any_  
><em>thing at all<em>. while they  
><span>stare<span> at him with **wonder**  
>in their <em>eyes<em> and **s t a r s** that  
><em>light<em> their way, he stays in  
>his<em> comfortable<em> d a r k n e s s  
>and doesn't say a single <span>word<span>.  
>(<em>"I'm not sick, Al. I'm<br>just a little off today."_)  
><strong><em>because<em>** he doesn't b e l i e v e  
>a <em>single thing<em> that  
>his <em><strong><span>own<span>**_ mouth **says**.

.

(_"If you're sure..."_)

.

tbc.


	2. pt t w o : apology::to listen to reason

.

.

I want to forgive you.

.

.

* * *

><p><strong>d r e a m e r <strong>

* * *

><p>He <span>doesn't<span>  
><strong>know<strong> _when_  
>it <strong><span>happened<span>**  
><em>and how<em>, but  
>he <em><strong>wants<strong>_ it  
>to be <span>o v e r<span>.

.

he _knows_ that it's  
><strong>wrong<strong> and weird and  
>that <em>he's<em> **so** s t u p i d,  
>but he <em>can't<em> **help it**.  
>they <span>say<span> that it's  
><em>okay<em> to **c r y**, that every  
><span>hero<span> does it and  
><strong><em>no one<em>** can help it  
>but he<em> isn't<em> a **hero**  
>and he <span>can<span> help h i m s e l f  
>he <em><strong>hoped<strong>_. because if he  
><em>couldn't<em>, then he was  
>just majorly <em>fucked<em>  
>over. he can't let his<br>**brother** see him like  
>this, because then he'd<br>_worry_, and he hates  
>it when <span>al<span>** _worries_**  
><strong>especially about him.<strong>  
>so he <em>doesn't<em> c r y  
>and he <strong>doesn't<strong> complain  
>or <em><span>shout<span>_ or **s c r e a m** or  
><em>wish<em> to d i e, because  
>what <strong>right<strong> does _he_ have  
>when his <span>own<span> _little brother_  
>c a n't <strong>forgive<strong> him?  
>(<em>In his mind. He's locked<em>  
><em>up in his mind and these <em>  
><em>thoughts flow out like<em>  
><em>blood from an<br>open wound._)

.

sunlight _streams_ in as  
><strong>winter days<strong> become w a r m e r  
>and the <em>morning<em> becomes  
><span>short<span> and **splendid**  
>and he has to <em>wonder<em> when  
>he <strong>lost himself<strong> so e a s i l y  
>in these <em>bout of lie<em>_s_  
>that was <em><strong>stirred<strong>_ up by  
><em>his<em> unwilling h a n d s. al  
>can <strong>forgive<strong> him all  
><span>he wants<span>, _he will **never**_  
><strong><em>forgive himself<em>**. and that  
>is what<em> nearly<em> **drives**  
><em>him over the edge<em>. when  
>he <span>moved<span> through the _**days**_  
>and l a z e d <em>around<em> with  
><strong><span>nothing<span>** on his _mind_, blank  
>as a <em>piece<em> of **paper**  
><em><span>waiting<span>_ for a m a s t e r p i e c e  
>to be <strong>painted<strong> upon it.  
>when he <em>s m i l e s<em> to  
><span>himself<span> about a **_secret_**  
>that <em>no one<em> else will  
><strong><em>ever<em>** know or share, they  
>all <em>understand<em> that **perhaps**  
>he was the <span>one<span> who  
><em>wanted <em>to be **_sent_** over  
>the<strong> e d g e<strong>.  
>(<em>Because living started<br>to become too painful  
>when reality was in the<br>picture._)

.

(_"Brother, you look worse."_)  
><em>truthful<em> words **hurt**  
><strong><span>more<span>** than _lies_ do, but  
>he c a n't <em>help<em> it - his  
><strong>lips<strong> which sin **_every moment_**  
><span>cannot<span> _s t o p_ **telling**  
><em>fabrications<em> of his _mind_  
>that are <strong><span>too real<span>** to  
>be a <strong>l i e<strong>.  
>(<em>"I'm fine."<em>)  
>and so, he <span>burns<span>  
><em>somewhere<em> in **h e l l**.  
><em><span>al<span>_ is there and_ holding_  
>his h a n d every <em><strong>second<strong>_ of  
>the <span>way<span>, but he _tore_  
>it <strong>away<strong> and **pushed** hm  
>b e h i n d. if not for <em>fear<em>,  
>just to keep him <em>out of<em>  
><em>reach<em>, because he did not  
><strong>trust<strong> what he was  
><em>capable of<em>. and he **hoped**  
>so d e a r l y, so <em>desperately<em>  
>that those <strong>eyes<strong> of his  
><span>little brother<span>'s would _look_  
><em>at him<em>, **see through him,**  
><strong>t r y<strong> to _break through_ and  
><em>accomplish<em> what **others**  
><strong>didn't<strong>, and _forgive_ him  
>o n e <strong>day<strong>.  
>(<em>What hope does he<br>have when he knows that  
>he can't even find the<br>courage to stand up  
>and forgive<br>himself?_)

.

(_"Al, just give me some time, alright?"_)

.

tbc.


	3. pt t h r e e : dream::death is our end

.

.

I want to know you.

.

.

* * *

><p><strong>d r e a m e r<strong>

* * *

><p>.<p>

he _doesn't_  
><strong>know<strong> how he  
>l e t himself<br>_watch_ it happen  
>but he <strong>knows<strong>  
>that he <em>did<em>.

.

(_goddammit it would have been different so different WHYWHYWHY_)

.

all he knows is that—

_**al is dead. **_

and he can't find it in him to breathe anymore.

.

_fin._


End file.
